


Things My Teammates Don't Know

by I_have_a_Mycroft_of_my_very_own



Category: Iron Man (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: implied suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-05
Updated: 2015-02-11
Packaged: 2018-02-11 21:10:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,958
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2083245
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/I_have_a_Mycroft_of_my_very_own/pseuds/I_have_a_Mycroft_of_my_very_own
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Okay. Let’s break this shit down. Because fuck knows no one ever understands me when I fucking speak! Except maybe Bruce, but I don’t even fucking know which part of the fucking country he is in right now, if he’s even still on Earth!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, Tony, it was nice of you to make an appearance in the angst fest that has been my life the last few days. Say hello to your fellow Angsters, Gabriel and Thranduil. 
> 
> Enjoy

Things my teammates don’t know.

1\. Everything.

That’s like the vaguest thing ever but, dear God, two of them call themselves spies for fuck sake!

Okay. Let’s break this shit down. Because fuck knows no one ever understands me when I fucking speak! Except maybe Bruce, but I don’t even fucking know which part of the fucking country he is in right now, if he’s even still on Earth!

1\. For real this time. Why I drink so god damn much.

Because for those precious, precious few moments where I feel like I’m more alcohol than blood, for those precious few moments where I’m floating so much fucking higher than the suit could ever take me, and fuck you I know the suit has taken me to a galaxy far, far a-fucking-way from here, but fuck you! Fuck you! For those precious moments I feel like nothing has ever hurt me and nothing ever will. I feel like I’m the happiest fucking person in existence and will always be the happiest person in existence. Because I don’t have to make sense when I’m drunk off my fucking face!

2\. Why Steve and I always used to fight, even when he made an effort to be my friend.

It was never Steve. Haha, Tony’s using the fucking cliché ‘it’s not you it’s me’ thing, well fuck you! It was never Steve. It was never Steve when he was standing right in front of me and the air fucking fled my lungs. It was never Steve when the anger that had been boiling inside of me finally erupted. It was never Steve. It was never fucking Steve! Steve is fucking great! Steve is goddamn wonderful. Steve is the fucking American Dream! Steve was my Dad’s dream, and Steve was the son my father always fucking wanted but never got to have. Because I’m not Steve. I have never been Steve, I will never be Steve. It was never Steve because I was never Steve. It was always me, because I am not Steve. Do you fucking get it yet?! Let me put it this way. Steve is the Thor to my Loki, okay? Daddy’s favourite versus the inconvenience. Somewhere along the line we’re gonna fucking try to tear each other apart, get it? Fire and water, mother fucker, we just don’t fucking mix well.

3\. Why Bruce is allowed in parts of the Tower or Mansion that none of the rest of them are.

Because I trust Bruce not to break my shit. Because Bruce doesn’t look at JARVIS like he’s something to hide from or get around. Because Brucey needs some fucking space from the rest of them because they still look at him like he’s gonna fucking explode into the Hulk at any fucking moment and no one deserves that. No one should have to put up with that sort of shit. So I give Brucey free reign because he fucking deserves a break every now and then. Jesus Fucking Christ!

4\. Why I get so fucking angry about little things, and why I’m so adamant about helping the little people.

Because I was little once. Because I was a little boy once and my voice didn’t count for shit. Because I once trusted a man, I thought to be so much better and bigger than me, to look after me and look after the things I care about, and he paid me back by having me kidnapped, tortured, and tearing my heart out of my chest. So I give a shit about the little things because they have the potential to grow into big things. Because if you don’t pay attention to the little things one day they’re gonna fucking bite you in the ass. Because if you don’t listen to the little people, they’re gonna find some way to get back at you. Because it’s the little things that count, and I fucking count!

5. I had that drink with Loki. Fuck all of you.

6\. I had many drinks with Loki. Suck it.

7\. Loki didn’t have to come to New York to set up his portal.

Loki came to New York and attacked my Tower and me because he was challenging me for control of the Earth. Because as far as Loki was concerned, I was the only other contender for Master of the Earth. Because I was the Master Sorcerer in his eyes and he was challenging me for control. Science = Magic and Magic = Science on Asgard. Loki challenged me directly and I fucking won. Suck it. Loki challenged me because he knows that with the amount of power I hold, with the amount of pull Stark Industries has, I’m the one who makes or breaks this world. But fuck that, you can have that power, Fury, I don’t fucking want it.

8\. What really happened in Afghanistan.

Bruce is the only one who knows. Bruce is the only one who is ever going to know. Brue is the only one who deserves to know about Yinsen.

9\. What depression looks like in other people.

Apparently Cap’s never been depressed in his life or he just doesn’t fucking know what it looks like wearing someone else’s face. I don’t even fucking know how the Deadly Duo could possibly fucking miss the signs, especially when I’ve been fucking screaming them loud for the entire world to see. Thor’s fucking excused because fuck, Loki said he’s been depressed since like 2000 years ago and if Thor couldn’t fucking notice anything wrong in that amount of time what fucking hope did I ever have of him noticing for me in a few months? And Bruce isn’t even in the same fucking country, might not even be in the same fucking world, so I can’t fucking blame him for not noticing, can I?!

10\. Why someone who sees another galaxy and is legally dead for a few moments might suffer from some seriously fucked up mental issues!

Jesus. Fucking. Christ.

11\. Not to leave suicidal people alone in workshops.

I always fucking said Bruce and I were the smartest people on the team.

Party’s over, mother fuckers. Tony Stark has left the building.


	2. Things Your Teammates Now Know

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things your teammates now know.
> 
> 1\. Everything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am not sure when I wrote this. But I was going through my fanfiction folder, cleaning things up, and I stumbled across it and was surprised to find it fully written, so here.

Things your teammates now know.

1\. Everything.

I know that is the vaguest statement ever but, they understand now. At least, I think they understand now. I hope they understand now.

I’m back, Tony. I won’t say where I went… it doesn’t seem nearly as important now. Doesn’t seem important at all, actually.

Let me try break this down for you now. Well, not for you, you always understand what I mean when I speak. I think this is more for my benefit than for yours. I’m rambling. I’m sorry.

1\. Why you drink so damn much.

You drink because you like losing control. You drink because you get to go somewhere far away where it doesn’t matter what your body does because you’re not there anymore. You’re off somewhere else. You drink because it makes you feel good. We get that. _I_ get that. But, please don’t lie to yourself, Tony, you drink because you have an addiction.

2\. Why you always used to fight with Steve, even when he tried to be your friend.

Because, like you said, you were never Steve, and you’ll never be Steve. Sure. But none of us are Steve either, except Steve. It was never you. You fight with Steve because Steve knew your father, was good friends with your father. You fight because Steve was the son your father wanted, and your father could never get over the fact that you weren’t Steve. It was never about you. It was about your father. Don’t lie to yourself, Tony, you’re far too good at it.

3\. Why I’m allowed in parts of the Tower and Mansion that the others are not.

I have my rooms if I want down time. I’m given access to the parts of the tower the rest aren’t because most of those places are labs or workshops and you don’t trust anyone down there who isn’t qualified. Hell, you shared drinks with Loki down in your workshop. I appreciate you looking out for me, Tony, but it’s not all about me here. I’ll give you 12% for it being about me. But no more.

4\. Why you get so angry about the little things, and why you always try to help the little person.

You’re lying again. A lie of omission is still a lie, it doesn’t matter what Clint says. You help the little people because of Yinsen. Because of him, because before him you were the Merchant of Death and you didn’t give a shit about anyone but yourself. I hated you so much back then. I treated so many of your victims, I couldn’t stand the sight of your face. But you tried to make a difference. When you came back, you tried to make up for at least some of the damage you had done. I knew there was hope for you. You care about the little things because they were what cost you Yinsen.

5\. You had a drink with Loki.

So what?

6\. You had many drinks with Loki.

Who cares?

7\. Loki didn’t need to come to New York to set up his portal.

Thor assures me that he hoped you wouldn’t figure that out. He was hopeful none of us would figure it out. The guilt, he says, would be enough to destroy any man. I’m not sure he fully understands the weight of the guilt upon your shoulders. I’m not sure he fully understands your epithet. Merchant of Death. Loki didn’t need to come to New York. I didn’t need to destroy Harlem. Sometimes things just happen.

8\. That something happened in Afghanistan.

I’m not telling them. I’m never, ever, ever going to tell them. They don’t need to know about Yinsen. If they really want to know they can go digging for info themselves. That is their job after all, isn’t it?

9\. What depression looks like in other people.

Cap knows what depression looks like, Tony. He’s a soldier. He was in the war. He knows what depression looks like, he just wasn’t willing to see it in you. Tasha’s tight lipped about it, but I’m pretty sure she could see your depression too. I don’t know about Clint. He’s retreated into the vents and he won’t come down. Thor sees Loki in you, not the evil, crazy, tortured Loki that came to New York, Thor sees the little brother Loki used to be, he sees that in you, he couldn’t see the depression in you any more than he could see it in Loki. He’s lived around fake smiles so long he can’t see through them anymore. I just prayed you’d be better when I got back. I was dumb.

10\. That someone who sees another galaxy and is legally dead for a few moments might suffer from some seriously fucked up mental issues.

I think we all knew. We just… didn’t want to acknowledge it. Acknowledging it makes it realer somehow. Like it’ll go away as long as we don’t say it out loud.

11\. Not to leave suicidal people alone in workshops even if JARVIS is around.

When were we ever going to obey this rule, Tony? You leave me down in the workshops on my own all the time. But it’s different for you? What? Cos I have a giant green rage monster inside of me that keeps me from dying means I can’t be suicidal?

You’re right about one thing, though. The party _is_ over, but Tony Stark is going nowhere.

Not if we can help it.


End file.
